11/3/19
This is something that I should've wrote a long time ago when I first realized how different I was to my fellow classmates and peers of all ages.
This feeling started in 2011, when I had a melt down in one of my classes which I had a long thorough discussion with my year level co-coordinator. She asked me, 'What are your hobbies? Who do you talk to and spend time with during recess/lunch? What do you do after school? How is your family life? .
I remember specifically telling her that after school, I worked at my parents store until 9pm everyday and went home to eat, sleep, shower. I never did any homework because I was always extremely exhausted from working everyday including the weekends back to back with language schools. My parents independently run a Asian Supermarket by themselves that required high maintenance of stock, fresh produce and business brand. I honestly think it's more than a 2 person Job from the excessive amounts of hours my parents work every week. My dads logic for my schedule was to learn the responsibilities of helping out family while I'm young. Which is a very fair perspective to bring me up with, obviously I didn't see that side at a young age. I started working at my family business when I was 10 years old alongside my older sister who was 13 at that time. My younger sister was only 6 who remained home most of the time with my Grandma.
Going through high school, my 2 best friends were all rounders at life and school. Both played table tennis, attended tutor, language schools, were family orientated. Not so different than what I did every week excluding a social sport to pursue with my family. I always believed that what I experienced was different to my friends, I was always home without parental supervision while I was very young. So my main focus was to learn how to cook food for myself and my siblings, with also a addiction to playing the flute that I was lucky to have financial support for!
I don't need my parents to be around to look after me yet they will always worry about my future, whereabouts and well being. Even if my parents weren't physically there for me while I was growing up, they did nothing bad. I just became very sad whenever I was at a friends house with their welcoming family or in an environment that evolves around family. Everywhere I go, Everyone I meet is part of a family that I can't seem to relate to because I always feel so disconnected to the world that I live in. The more I push away these feelings, the more bitter I get which affects all my decisions making it even worse turning it into a vicious cycle.
The way I grew up is a privilege to many, foreign to most, a common experience for a child of a migrant family. All I could think about while growing up was forgetting that I had to work at my parent's store which in my eyes became a very traumatizing experience for me as I grew older.
My dad became reliant on my ability to help him out with physical labor which in return left me exhausted, angry, on edge, empty all the time. When I would ask for a break or be caught standing for a few seconds doing nothing, I received an aggressive response from my dad to keep working and never stop. After a while, I became desensitized from his harsh tone and learned to block out his voice whenever he spoke. I hated working there, I didn't know better to apply for a casual job at 15 years and 9 months. I got paid through shelter, food and use of facilities at home.
I'm aware that my dad doesn't have any bad intentions towards our family, he is simply struggling to regulate his emotions and trauma from the way he grew up. I don't think my dad will ever understand that his way of life isn't going to help our family become successful in this world. As the years pass by, I hold more resentment towards my dad more than ever. Chinese New Year, Cambodian New Year, Christmas, New Years became an uncomfortable experience for me in this last decade.
The idea of a social gathering was foreign to me until 2014-2015 when I attended my first formal in Yr 11. I then had a epiphany that I had missed out on so many social opportunities during my high school from introverted interests. Reading Manga, Watching anime, Making films, Drawing, Playing games started to fade away from my life as I spent 2015 worrying about my mental health instead of trying to improve it. I was pushing away part of my identity to fit in with the rest of my student cohort which I truly regret. I still pursue Music which was the highlight of my high experiences despite the personal conflict that I idiotically held a grudge on for a year. I started to crave company rather than being comfortable within my own skin.
Edit: (24/07/19)
I'm on my way to a jam session with a friend that I never expected to hang out with. I have dancing in the evening then I'll be going home with my sister. 4 months ago you made a life reflection that focussed on how much connection you lack. Well, look at you now, I have started up a jazz band, pushed myself to perform in a disney showcase, gained confidence and freedom from thinking independently from my parents, made new friends, planned a hiking event, went clubbing, worked at codecamp, failed 2 units in semester 1. Everything that I have done in 2019 is a can of worms, remember that this year was the start of living in a new environment, I've never been able to have a life bustling with activity before. I'm so proud of how far you've come when you watched Lost & Found (Flares Annual Production) in 2018 and thinking 'Wow, I want to be in a dance crew as well'. Sure, you attempted a few dancing classes after that, went on a 4 month hiatus but the Disney Showcase really pushed me to grow as a dancer. Now I'll be performing in my first show next week with Flare Dance Ensemble. Everytime I'm feeling moody or sad from re occuring events with my family, I watch Jericho's dance videos to feel better. I start playing my ukulele and singing my sorrows away. I journal my thoughts to release myself of pent up grief. I start thinking about the bubble tea short film I'm planning to direct for a film competition. Sure, I'll be doing 2 units in semester 2 and there's nothing wrong with that. I had my circumstance up until now, I want to enjoy my life as it is before I enter my late 20's with regret. Whatever you were feeling 4 months ago never really did go away Funan. You somehow created new connections, projects, wisdom, perspectives of life with those repramanding feelings of yours.
Even though everyday is such an effort, you still carry on strong.
Keep going :)
(I remember in 2015, I used to sit outside, stare at the skies hoping that this empty and persistent feeling of sadness would go away)
